99 Hilarious New Year Resolutions Quotes to Steal

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27-04-2025

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The new year is a time for reflection, and for many, a time to make resolutions. While some approach this with earnest determination, others find humor in the often-unrealistic goals we set for ourselves. This list provides 99 hilarious New Year's resolutions quotes – perfect for sharing on social media, using as inspiration for your own resolution, or simply enjoying a good chuckle. We've categorized them for easier browsing, so whether you're looking for something sarcastic, self-deprecating, or just plain silly, you'll find something to love.

Sarcastic & Cynical New Year's Resolutions

1. "My New Year's resolution is to stop making New Year's resolutions."
2. "This year, I resolve to be less judgmental… of people who don't make New Year's resolutions."
3. "New Year's resolution: Procrastinate less… starting tomorrow."
4. "My New Year's resolution is to be more organized. I'll start… eventually."
5. "I'm starting a new diet… starting Monday… maybe Tuesday."
6. "New Year, same me… but with slightly higher expectations."
7. "I resolve to eat more vegetables… in moderation."
8. "My New Year's resolution is to achieve world peace…starting with my own family."
9. "This year, I'm going to conquer my fear of commitment… to anything."
10. "I resolve to learn a new language… Just kidding, I'll stick to emojis."
11. "My goal is to be more spontaneous… maybe next week."
12. "I'm going to be more positive this year… except when I'm not."
13. "New Year's resolution: Become a millionaire. Step one: win the lottery."
14. "I resolve to wake up earlier… But only on weekends."
15. "My resolution: to finally write that novel... in my head."

Self-Deprecating & Relatable Resolutions

16. "New Year's resolution: Stop eating my feelings… (I'll have to find a new hobby)."
17. "My resolution is to be more patient… with myself, mostly."
18. "This year, I will conquer my inbox… maybe after I sort through this pile of laundry."
19. "I resolve to spend less time on social media… (Starts scrolling)."
20. "My New Year's resolution is to go to the gym more… (It's on my to-do list, I swear)."
21. "This year, I'm cutting out sugar... except for weekends, holidays, and Tuesdays."
22. "My resolution is to be less stressed… Easier said than done, right?"
23. "I'm going to learn to cook more… (Starting with microwaving)."
24. "I resolve to be more organized… at least until my next procrastination attack."
25. "My goal is to sleep more… (But Netflix calls to me)."
26. "I resolve to drink more water… (After this glass of wine)."
27. "This year, I will finally finish that book I started 2 years ago… (Probably)."
28. "My resolution is to be more positive… which is ironic because I’m terrible at resolutions."
29. "I'm going to say yes more often… (Unless it involves public speaking)."
30. "My goal: to make better life choices… Starting now…ish."

Funny & Absurd Resolutions

31. "New Year's resolution: Invent a time machine to go back and avoid making this resolution."
32. "My resolution: To finally master the art of napping."
33. "I resolve to become fluent in sarcasm."
34. "This year, I'm going to train my cat to do my chores."
35. "New Year's resolution: Convince my dog that squirrels are delicious."
36. "My goal: To speak dolphin. Wish me luck."
37. "I resolve to win a staring contest with a sloth."
38. "This year, I'm learning to levitate."
39. "New Year's resolution: To become best friends with a unicorn."
40. "My goal: To successfully fold a fitted sheet."
41. "I resolve to understand quantum physics."
42. "This year, I'm going to communicate with aliens."
43. "New Year's resolution: To find my lost socks."
44. "My goal: To build a rocket ship and go to Mars. (Step one: find a rocket ship)."
45. "I resolve to teach my goldfish to play poker."

Food-Related Resolutions (Humorous)

46. "My New Year's resolution: To eat less pizza... just kidding, never."
47. "I resolve to eat more cake… for health reasons (obviously)."
48. "This year, I'm going on a diet of pure chocolate."
49. "New Year's resolution: To eat only foods that start with the letter 'C'."
50. "My goal: To invent a self-cleaning oven."
51. "I resolve to cook more… as long as it takes less than 15 minutes."
52. "This year, I'm only eating rainbow-colored foods."
53. "New Year's resolution: To become a professional food taster."
54. "My goal: To create the world's most delicious sandwich."
55. "I resolve to only eat organic, locally sourced, fair-trade… pizza."

Health & Fitness Resolutions (with a Twist)

56. "New Year's resolution: To go to the gym… (Once)."
57. "My resolution is to run a marathon… (In my dreams)."
58. "I resolve to drink more water… (Except for when I'm drinking wine)."
59. "This year, I'm going to stretch more… (After I've finished binge-watching)."
60. "New Year's resolution: To stand up straight… (For at least 5 seconds)."
61. "My goal: To learn yoga… (And not fall over)."
62. "I resolve to get more sleep… (But what if I miss something exciting?)."
63. "This year, I'm embracing my inner couch potato."
64. "New Year's resolution: To do more burpees… (Maybe tomorrow)."
65. "My goal: To complete a 5k... at a leisurely pace."

Relationship Resolutions (Funny)

66. "My New Year's resolution: To annoy my significant other less… (Impossible)."
67. "I resolve to understand my partner's love language… (Which is sarcasm, I think)."
68. "This year, I'm going to learn to share the remote."
69. "New Year's resolution: To stop stealing my partner's socks."
70. "My goal: To plan a surprise for my partner… that they actually like."
71. "I resolve to argue constructively... (ha!)."
72. "This year, I'm going to master the art of the perfect apology."
73. "New Year's resolution: To say 'I love you' more often… (At least once a week)."
74. "My goal: To learn how to fold laundry without starting a fight."
75. "I resolve to spend quality time with my family… (At least once a month)."

Work-Related Resolutions (Humorous)

76. "New Year's resolution: To be more productive… (After my coffee)."
77. "My resolution is to leave work on time… (Sometimes)."
78. "I resolve to be less stressed at work… (Good luck with that)."
79. "This year, I'm mastering the art of the perfect out-of-office reply."
80. "New Year's resolution: To actually use my planner."
81. "My goal: To finally understand office politics."
82. "I resolve to avoid office gossip… (But only sometimes)."
83. "This year, I'm going to learn to say 'no' more often."
84. "New Year's resolution: To climb the corporate ladder… (Step one: locate the ladder)."
85. "My goal: To find a work-life balance… (What's that?)."

Miscellaneous Funny Resolutions

86. "My New Year's resolution: To stop losing my keys."
87. "I resolve to learn how to parallel park."
88. "This year, I'm going to finally organize my photos."
89. "New Year's resolution: To become a better listener… (While simultaneously planning my next witty remark)."
90. "My goal: To successfully assemble flat-pack furniture without swearing."
91. "I resolve to be more spontaneous… (Starting with spontaneity itself)."
92. "This year, I'm learning to juggle chainsaws."
93. "New Year's resolution: To find a four-leaf clover."
94. "My goal: To conquer my fear of heights… by staying on the ground."
95. "I resolve to learn to play the ukulele… poorly."

Resolutions Inspired by Popular Culture

96. "My New Year's resolution: To live like a Kardashian… (Without the millions)."
97. "I resolve to become as zen as a Buddhist monk… (But with better snacks)."
98. "This year, I'm channeling my inner Beyoncé."
99. "New Year's resolution: To be more like Ryan Gosling… (But with less Ryan Gosling-ness)."

This list offers a wide range of humorous resolutions, suitable for all types of personalities and senses of humor. Remember, the most important thing about New Year's resolutions is to have fun with them! Happy New Year!